The Sound of Stories

Stories are like pieces of music You don't need an audio book to hear them - they play in your head with their internal rhythms contributing to the meaning - and the mood. When you read, you listen!

The absence of mothers

The absence of mothers is the final taboo.

Disappearance - Angie Phillip, Aja.

I heard that on the radio this morning. Someone was talking about having left their children for their mother to look after because of a drugs problem.

I started thinking about my stories and about Dani (the daughter) and about Esme (the mother). I think my stories are redemption stories - previous series title was Blood and Love, but Redemption Stories is better.

Yes, all the stories are about motherhood and trying (needing) to be a person at the same time as being a mother (and the guilt that is so difficult to get rid of even though it never helps) and about the vulnerability of the child (never realised quite how vulnerable until I wrote from the child's perspective - maybe didn't dare). 

It's important that I show the niceness of Esme as well as her selfishness. There are lots of happy bits and funny bits that make up lives as well as the godawful hard parts. There's a whole heap of washing up and cleaning houses in there as well, so time consuming even when done as little as possible so it does creep into the stories but only at the edges.

Perhaps my preoccupation with genes and adoption is borne of a hope (desperation?) to believe that destiny is mainly in the genes which absolves the mother (me?) from some of the responsibility. Ha ha. But as ever - it's impossible to untangle all the ideas and the thoughts - it is easier (and more therapeutic) to write stories. 

Although I've switched from writing with the main focus on Esme to putting the main focus on Dani, I think that Esme and her concerns are illuminated by Dani's life. The two lives are more than interwoven - they are entangled forever. 

The fact that the two lives are entangled makes the stories much more difficult to write. It's much easier to write from just one person's point of view. In fact, I've tried it. I've just rewritten novel number 2 from just Dani's point of view. Esme is in the background but it's all from Dani's point of view. And it worked. Flowed nicely but I've abandoned it. It's a copout. I've gone back to the more complex version where both Dani's and Esme's stories are told together so I'm struggling to bash this version into shape. It's more fictional than the first novel in this series Girl Too Loud but the roots of it all spring from within me. How could they not? (Apparently Beryl Bainbridge said that all her stories were autobiographical - she just had someone die or killed somebody if the autobiography was showing through.)

And yes, I have tried (and am still trying) very hard to be respectful and honest about all the participants. Everyone has their own needs and desires and everyone does their best at the time. But it does make it harder to write - straightforward baddies and goodies are a lot easier. And maybe they work better? Not sure. Am learning as I go along.